Being LONELY has taught me a lot!

(Originally posted 8/08 on MySpace) WOW!!! I am horrible, I can not believe it was back in 2007 the last time I wrote a blog. But truthfully, I don't like to blab about anything until something really hits me hard and may have experienced. Its funny how right now at this very moment all I hear are the crickets and the water running from my fountain in the living room, it made me realize how when you are isolated how your life just flashes right in front of you! Have you ever experienced that? Even my puppy Onyxx is knocked out...LOL

For a very long time, I have been struggling with the spirit of "Lonliness". Now some of you are probably like "Yeah Right!", but I'm telling you its better to be alone then around the wrong company. Since '94 I have been living away from my family back in California, and have ventured out on my own as an independent woman. In the beginning I could not stand to be by myself, and began to develop a habit of going out and being a party animal. I mean, it became my escapism, and I managed to meet people and make friends with no problems. Of course, these people who you thought were your friends, really weren't your "true" friends, and then you do not see or hear from them anymore. Yes, I understand people come into your life for a season, whether it may be 5 minutes, 5 years, or a lifetime. I saw a pattern, that 90 percent of the people I was socializing and affiliated with were in and out of my life quicker than I can learn their middle and last names. Then I figured it out, high turn around of people in your life really meant that I wasn't confident, low self-esteem, and hated to say "NO" because you felt they would leave, or not be cool with you anymore! I even bottled my feelings up because I was afraid to speak up and express my true feelings...Boy, God really had to strip me naked just so I can notice who my true comforter was...

Over the last 10 years and becoming the woman that I am now took some sacrifices, heartaches, disappointments, losses, and prayer. After my engagement with my ex-fiance, I said to myself that I didn't want to be in a relationship for a long time, I was emotionally drained, but of course, when you are not looking for it, and I wasn't, you see yourself involved with another guy "emotionally" again. My point is, I had to realize and learn that "LIKE SPIRITS ATTRACT" and you know what, I was tired of attracting spirits that weren't genuine, real, God-fearing, honest, humble, and giving. I made a descision to PURGE those spirits and ask God to bring people into my life and keep the ones that HE only knows that I need and that can lift me up through good and through bad. Believe me, it is definitely the truth when they say "You are who you hang with!"

Today, I look around and only see me! I choose to keep my physical at a distance from the world, but keep my spirit close to GOD, and my true friends close to my heart. When I come home and dwell in silence, you really begin to hear the voice of the Lord and begin to know yourself, and most importantly love yourself. You are not consumed anymore of what happened 5 minutes ago, or mistakes you've made. You just learn and apply how you can make it better for tommorrow and any other things you can do to just better yourself!!! I have learned to take control of my time and utilize the time I do have with Gee Gee. Its so easy for me to say NO when it doesn't benefit me, and to give and spend my time wisely. I'm beginning to enjoy my time cooking, interior decorating, rock climbing, rollblading, playing and training Onyxx, graphic designing, and even learning Spanish. I'm telling you my friends, being LONELY is a blessing. You don't have to rush and surround your flesh with the world, just snatch it up and maximize it for YOU!!! Your eyes begin to see things so much more clearer, you seek wolves from miles away, and you begin to love more and shed light to those who need it with no hesitation!!!!

I am not a VICTIM anymore...

(Originally posted 12/07 on MySpace) Today, Bishop asked the church if - we wake up being a "VICTIM" of the world or do we wake up "VICTORIOUS" of this world. That really stood out to me the entire day because right now at this very moment, there are things inside of me that are bothering me that causes me to be that "victim". Now, I'm just going to be very open and share with you because I feel there are a lot of people that can relate to this. What's bothering me is really "ME". For so long, I always thought I had to disect why I do things the way I do, say things the way I do, act a certain way, and even respond a certain way. That's because I continue to face the same issues in different situations. Someone that I care deeply about just recently told me that I'm always on the "defense" and always have to make it out to where its never my fault. I know that this is true because when I feel like I may be out to get hurt or feel to emotional about something I tend to put my guards up so that there will always be that "safe-mode" to fall back on. Are you understanding me right now? Every relationship with a man that I have been in, they have hurt me so bad because I really didn't understand why they would do that to me, or why I deserved to be treated that way. So I have to look at myself and say "what is it that I am doing for them to treat me that way, or say that to me?" Well regardless of what it was, it has definitely scarred me, and yes, it still affects the way I may communicate and act towards people. Is that wrong of me?

I know deep down inside, I would never do anything to hurt anyone - NEVER! I mean never intentionally!! My heart is always out to help people in any way I can but I know somewhere in my heart it is still HARD! We as humans, tend to blame our past on why we are the way we are in the present....right?? I mean should I blame my past vulnerbilities because I did not have a father in my life. Or, what about not having anything to show for because I'd rather spend my money on material things so the world can view me as someone who has her "stuff" together. It really pisses me off when I hear people blame someone else because of the situation that they are in now. NO NO - situations are made to be temporary! Whether you are homeless or strung out on drugs - and GOD has given you plenty of resources and ways out, and you are still in that situation, well that is because YOU CHOSE TO BE THERE!!! I mean not to get off the subject, but that really does make me mad!!! But what I wanna say everyone is that I have discovered that I can no longer let my past pains, hurts, rough childhood, fatherless life hold me victim to the PRESENT...I know I have to work hard at purging out all of this (I mean we are talking years and years of stuff) but if I start now, then there is still hope!! Being the oldest of 4 sisters, and now having my own business has given me a leadership position, and being in this position I have become stuck in my own ways because there is no one around to really tell me what to do or how to do it!! Therefore, I can only do what I have to do and believe that is the way it should be. Yes, that is the stubborn side of me that I do not like. If I don't have it my way, then I do get a little bit of an attitude. But I'm working on it, because my way doesn't mean it should be everyone's way. We all do things subconsciously because we have trained our minds to think and act that way, and it takes someone else to make us realize what we are doing!!

Well today, I have made up in my mind that I will no longer become a VICTIM of my past. That whatever my last relationship did to hurt me that does not mean the next man will do that. Why do that, and mess up my blessings of finding my husband if I keep seeking that every man is going to hurt me. Whether friends I thought were friends, lied, backstabbed, or gossiped behind my back, that does not mean I should not love the new friends I will gain. The biggest thing to me right now is that although I have not spoken to my father in almost 10 years, I can not blame him for not being in my life and taking part in raising me. You know why, because whatever him and my mother went through, had nothing to do with me. (Yes, they have been divorced since I was 2 years old) But what's going to be hard, and I'm not even lying - is taking that first step! That is always the hardest!! I know that my heart is telling me to not wait for him to do it, because if he leaves this earth before I can even get a chance to show him what his daughter has become - that would be the biggest regret of my life!!! WHEW...Wish me luck everyone....But that is what I have made my mind up to do!!!

I am no longer a VICTIM - I am longing to stay VICTORIOUS!!! This is what I am choosing!! So can you!!!

I love ya'll - thanks for another wonderful year of your support, love, and friendship!!!

XOXO,
GEE GEE

Find Compatibility not Stability in your relationships

Stability takes TWO COMPLETE people to achieve. This means that one person can't be 25% and the other 75%....NO, it doesn't work that way. People often say that "...they gotta meet me half way!!" Well I say, I will meet you all the way...why? Because, I am whole, and I have 100% to give. This is in ALL areas of my LIFE (Mentally, Physically, Financially, & Spiritually). I expect the other person to be whole and 100% too....So what is left if two people are whole - well of course you must be COMPATIBLE with that person....It's almost like if you are a cube shape, and the other person is a sphere shape, and no matter how much or hard you try to press that cube in that sphere - it just doesn't FIT!!! Am I right???? So why settle if you know you will not fit in that sphere...Lawd!!!

This is where it gets complicated because often people will settle for someone that doesn't give 100% or may not be compatible with. For example, LADIES - we are naturally "emotional" creatures, however, that does not mean we should settle for a man that provides our needs financially and not emotionally (ie. call when he's thinking about you, tell you you're beautiful, or give you affection), or FELLAS - you are naturally "hunters" when you seek a "prey" that draws to you, you attack or chase until you kill it, however, that doesn't mean that you also should settle for a woman that is just appealing on the outside, but not on the inside (ie. gives you rest, doesn't nag, let's you be the man in the relationship)...TRUST me, looks only last for a MILE....the rest of the journey what are you bringing to the table???

Truthfully, I am at the point in my life where I need a partner that will not just be there for affection, but also my business partner, my homeboy, my bestfriend, my confidant. Be sure of what you are looking for and need to make you want to give back to the other person ALL THE WAY!!! Cut all confusion out the way, let them know your expectations, and it should be up to the other person to make a decision. Don't make decisions off of emotions, or because you've become COMFORTABLE. I have been there, and you get so lost in someone else, once you are not with that person - you almost don't know who you are anymore!!! Stay focused on your GOALS, and ACCOMPLISHMENTS. If the other guy/girl is hindering you from these, then you know you are being distracted. Both people should be supportive, and most importantly ENCOURAGING to make sure the other person doesn't get off track. So ladies, if your man tells you he has to work overtime, or has to cancel lunch and attend to a last minute meeting that will make profit or be beneficial to both of you - PLEASE, don't NAG or WHINE about it. Be supportive, and tell him "Okay baby, is there anything that you need me to do, or Good Luck with the meeting I'll be home when you get here!" This shows that you are LOYAL and down for him. Fellas, do the same with your woman, because we do live in a society nowadays where a lot of women are career driven and more ambitious!!! Don't worry about the deciet, lies, or doubt if that's really what they are doing, because TRUST ME - what's done in DARK, GOD always brings to LIGHT....Then you know he/she was not meant for you in the first place and that would be the biggest blessing ever.....But don't destroy a blessing either so, enjoy time with one another - learn, understand, compromise, teach, expose with one another. Your strengths can be their weaknesses and vice versa....

What has worked for me in the past is that I ask GOD to just give me CLARITY on the situation, and He will give you the answer. If that person is not the "one", ask God to give clarity and soon He'll sever those ties. If that happens, accept it for what it was, learn, apply, and move forward!!!

I love you guys, you ALL are always supportive, and if you want to talk more or may be going thru a situation and need someone that won't judge you then, I'M ALL EARS geegee1213@gmail.com

Love from the "A"
Gee2